The barn of a farmer had burnt down and he asked the insurance adjuster for $50,000 USD.
The insurance adjuster responded, "We do not give money, we build you a similar barn instead. The same goes for example with your car, if its stolen we just give you a similar car, same make, year and milage as your own car - no money.
Farmer: "If that is your system, I want to cancel my wife's life insurance!"
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has issued a warning
about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease.
The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior.
The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced
"gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having
been screwed for the past four years.
Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include:
anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with
messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to
incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia,
inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked
by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of
geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy,
categorical all-or-nothing behavior.
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...
First floor - The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad decided to try and get a cute little coil to let him discharge.
He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge, around by the sinewave and stopped in a magnetic field by a flowing current.
Micro Farad, attracted by Millie's curves, soon had his resistance at a minimum and his field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her capacitance and pulled out his high voltage probe.
He inserted it into her socket, connecting them in parallel, and began to short circuit her shunt. Fully excited, Millie Amp said, "Mho, Mho, Mho! Give me mho!"
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.
While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.
Why do I tell you this?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Here's a dilemma for you...what would you do?
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.
Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought.
By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, in which you
will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Thoughtfulness is important for this evaluation to be meaningful!
Ready? Begin!
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
The accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out to lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and no one will actually admit he wants change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
